dad...

Today is Monday. On Saturday I threw a party. I will write more about it later when I can fathom all the details of what actually happened. It's hard knowing all those details with the amount of booze consumed that night. Also, I kinda time travelled because I literally slept the entire day on Sunday, but who knows, that could've been those Klonopins. All I know is that it was definitely the best party ever and if you missed it you REALLLLY missed out. Anyway, here is a phone conversation I had today with my dad. Things that you need to know about this conversation are...

1 ) my roommate "Chang" is the groundskeeper of the property we live on.

2 ) for this party I borrowed two huge buckets from my folks to use as coolers for beer.

3 ) right before this phone call I had just finished drinking a beer that I found in my closet that I apparently left in there on Saturday and did not finish.

4 ) if someone decided to make my life a movie, the guy they'd cast as my dad, without question would be Jeff Goldblum.

5 ) all of this is completely real.*

Dad - So, uhh, I overheard your mother talking on the phone to your cousin about your party the other night.... something about a flamethrower? What's that all about?

Me - Industrial grade blowtorch, yeah. Chang has it for removing small brush around the property. He used it to start a fire in the firepit in our back yard.

Dad - Aah, I see. So... besides a 'blowtorch', what else did you guys have?

Me - Well, I dressed up in a gorilla suit but instead of a gorilla head I had a bunny mask.

Dad - Gorilla suit... okay, what else?

Me - There was a slip and slide...

Dad - Aaaaaaah, a slip and slide! You should have told us! We would've been there!

Me - Well it's still here if you want to come over.

Dad - Nah, that's ok. Umm, let's see what else, do you have those buckets?

Me - Yup.

Dad - Can you bring those over for our party on Friday? Are you working that day?

Me - I'm not working that day so yeah, I'll bring them over sometime before then.

Dad - Your mother wants to know what kind of cake you want for your birthday...

Me - I would like a cake based on the movie Fargo.

Dad - You would like a cake based on the movie Fargo?

Me - Yeah... (trying desparately not to laugh at this)

Dad - What do you mean exactly?

Me - I'm thinking, like, a white sheet cake with a mini Steve Buscemi on there burying a bag of money... you know, in the frosting.

Dad - So you want a cake based on a scene of that movie and not on a cake that they had in that movie?

Me - Exactly! Do you want to borrow the DVD to see what I'm talking about?

Dad - Yeah, sure

We went on to talk about music and how he wants to be in a sweet instrumental band that covers OutKast and how I have to drop off buckets and a DVD this week. Things are looking good on that Fargo cake, more to report soon!!!!

* I swear I'm not lying

Fucked Economy Lesson #2: Time equals money

Times are tough.  Fox news told me so.  And poor people often say you can have all the money in the world but you can't get more time.  Well I think those people are fucking liars.  So check this peeps...

I've had the same alarm clock for 17 years.  No shit...it even has a place for audio cassettes that you can wake to.  Over the years I have mastered the one-hand blind alarm slap to buy me an extra 7 minutes of snooze time.  I heart the snooze...it is my only AM friend besides coffee and porn.

But alas it has seen better days so off to Exxon for a new one.  So this new clock, all the bells and whistles, including AM AND FM radio and a dimmer for the light.  It's like mood lighting in a pinch.  But most notably this clock has a FIVE minute snooze alarm.  Unfortunately, I cannot shake my pattern of hitting the snooze 7 times each morning.  So now, instead of 49 minutes of snooze, i'm banking 35 minutes of snooze.  And you won't believe this... I FEEL the same as I did before.  Just as refreshed.

So meet me over at the math chalk board.  14 minutes a day saved, times 5 days a week, times 52 weeks a year.  Presto!  I just bought your ass another TWO AND HALF DAYS A YEAR for FREE!  Where's your 3conomics now Wendy's??  

You're welcome faithful readers.

too soon?

"Too soon?" is never soon enough.

mom...

You probably aren't reading this mom, mostly because the last (and first) time you saw this blog I told you never to come here again and threw a hammer and a glass of really hot water at your laptop but just this once I will make an exception. As you know, mom, well, my birthday is coming up. We both know I don't ask for much... Okay, sure, there was that incident with the police in Burlington, VT but we cleared that up 'no questions answered', remember? Yes, I know you are getting me a new set of tires for my automobile even though you clearly know I don't like driving safe. Why else do you think I drove that car around with an expired inspection sticker for four years?! Mom, I just took a dump in the kitchen. I know you're worried but don't be because the place I live now has a toilet next to the stove. And you wondered why I have to move out at the end of the month. Granted, the three paper towels I wiped with that are currently clogging it may be an issue but we'll let someone with a college degree worry about that. Anyway, I'm here to make a special birthday request. I know you have given up on asking me what kind of birthday cake I would like since I stopped caring about that eight years ago but I've finally decided on what I want. From now until every single birthday from now I would like a birthday cake based on the movie Fargo*. This year we can start simple. I'm envisioning a white sheet cake with a small fence going through the middle of it with a miniature, bleeding Steve Buscemi on it trying to bury a bag of money. You know, under the frosting. On the opposite side of the fence you can have big red block letters that say, you know, like "It's your birthday don'cha know? Ooh yeah?" that are somehow written in a North Dakota accent. Bakers can pretty much do any accent these days, not like the bakers they had eight years ago. Those fucking clowns wouldn't know the difference between Frances McDormand's favorite brownie (hallucinogenic) and William H. Macy's favorite donut (muffin). Thanks mom, you're the best! One of these years I'll remember your birthday, I swear!

*or until probably two years from now when I will then put in a request for desserts featuring only Anton Cigurgh or Walter Sobchak.

Nonsenseicalizationismer

There are two things I want to be when I grow up, and they are both HAROLD REYNOLDS!  This guy is freaking gold, and not just because he is still the only announcer who feels the need to carry his glove in the announcers booth...or because he got fired from ESPN for sexual harassment days after getting back from the Little League World Series.  Well...actually it was just those two things but now that he has a blog (and Blog and Main follows blogs), it's like I get to have breakfast with the man who invented assholes!

In his latest blogtacular rant, Harold (or H-Dawg as Kruky use to call him) goes on and on about how numbers don't make sense.  Meanwhile, back at his blog, his words don't make sense.  And what makes this post just about better than any other post in blog history, is that the reader comments below his rant are all epic.  I enjoyed this too much not to share - so Happy fucking Father's Day!

Now Batting: Irony

The man I had a sneaky boyhood crush on was sneaky having crushes on little boys and girls.

FORT WORTH, Texas (AP) -- Former major league outfielder Mel Hall was found guilty Tuesday of sexually assaulting a 12-year-old girl he coached on an elite basketball team a decade ago.

fascism...

I was in Montreal this weekend, mostly trying to either enlighten my senses or just drip away at the cosmic insanity. Wait, no, sorry about that, there's too many hippies in that town and clearly they got to me and my brain. Anyway, while walking down the street there was a man handing out flyers and saying...

"Did you notice when Obama met the Queen he grew a Hitler moustache?"

Umm.... what Queen? After hearing this I asked him for one of the flyers he was handing out cause I knew it would be good. It stated that Obama has instituted Hitler's "health plan" which is weird because I thought Hitler's "health plan" was to exterminate the Jews. Anyway, I read this flyer, re-read it, re-read it again and then came to the conclusion that it made absolutely no correlation between the Hitler and Obama other than saying "Hitler" and "Obama".

I also remembered that I was in Canada where they cannot vote in American elections. If this crazy flyers guy really thought Americans pay attention to what Canadians have to say he really must be insane. Just look at what Phoenix did to the Winnipeg Jets or how barely anyone here knows about the Trailer Park Boys.

Blog and Main takes pride in breaking new stories as much as we like making fun of people. I am here to report first that there are some dangerously close relationships between Prime Minister Stephen Harper and former dictator Benito Mussolini. Let's face it, if you are American and reading this right now you had NO idea what Stephen Harper looked like until right now. I mean, I had no idea he was a tiny kitten, did you? Didn't think so. And you'd never be able to pick El Duce out of a line up if he wasn't wearing one of his signature hats. So the similarity here I am reporting on is "obscurity" and that is a much better argument than that nutball was trying to make. Proof that people read the internet more than print.

WNBAint going to be the same.

Has there ever been a more appropriate headline than 'Laimbeer leaves Shock'?

After massive changes to the roster, Laimbeer predicted before the 2003 season that the Shock would be league champions, and his prediction would unbelievably come true. The Shock would tear up the East in the regualar season, posting a 25-9 record and winning the #1 seed by 7 games. In the playoffs, the Shock would defeat the Cleveland Rockers 2-1 for their first playoff series win in franchise history. In the Conference Finals, the Shock swept the Connecticut Sun 2-0 to reach the WNBA Finals. 

Despite the achievements, the Shock were viewed as huge underdogs to the two time defending champion Los Angeles Sparks, who were looking for a three-peat. The Shock would emerge victorious in the series, winning a thrilling Game Three 83-78. That game would draw the largest crowd ever in WNBA history (22,076 came to watch). Detroit became the first team in WNBA history to make it from last place one season to world champions the very next season.

25-9?

22,076?

And now, that is all over.   I just can't believe it.  Everytime a brutish cracker retires from dike sports a little part of me dies.

UK not OK

Anyone who knows me knows I love soccer.  And those that really know me, know I don't really like soccer but I pretend I do to appeal to international blog audiences.  But one thing has really started to put a bow in me britches, and that is the name UNITED KINGDOM.

How cocky is that term - Kingdom?  Kingdom implies supreme awesomeness and utter dominance.  But the UK has neither.  Thanks for The Beatles and ship-building expertise, but you are a 3rd rate state now and need to change your name accordingly.

I call this post: The Dallas Cowboys are fucking retarded

I usually don't like to sleep outside.  It's bad for my skin.  But I had to make an exception last night because NEW COWBOYS STADIUM MERCHANDISE went on sale this morning and I had to be first in line.

You see here, this shirt says OURS IS BIGGER!  Do you get it?  They are talking about the stadium but they are really talking about the collective penis of Texas.  Or maybe of Cowboys fans.  Or I'm not really sure.  Stop me if you've heard this, but anytime anything is remotely bigger than average, and you are in Texas, or it relates to Texas, well then you are forced to learn: "EVERYTHING IS BIGGER IN TEXAS".  Get it?

This is fucking priceless.  I got 18 of them.  All XXXL because I thought it would be twice as funny if the shirts were big...cause everything is bigger than Texas.

Does it get better than local humor?  What the fuck does Idaho do day in and day out?  I know there are some good Michigan jokes but I heard that state was going into Chapter 11 and giving their property back to the indians.

weekends...

I love weekends. I don't have a girlfriend so these weekend situation things are the best things I currently have going. Today has been spent watching movies in bed. This is most likely a big factor as to why I do not have a girlfriend. It's a lot like that book Catch-22 but with less nudity*.  Currently showing is the 1977 horror movie The Sentinel featuring (among many others) Jeff Goldblum, Jerry Orbach, Christopher Walken, the mom from the National Lampoon's Vacation series, old man Burgess Meredith and even older man Bill Hickey. It's incredible. In one scene Burgess Meredith decides to throw a birthday party for his cat Jezebel. I know that sounds unbelievable so I took a screen shot.

You can also see that I have googled "bruce lee shoes" which is another example about how awesome weekends can be. Also I am drinking hilarious vodka. You are probably wondering how vodka can be hilarious, well just hold on to your pants there skip because you are in for another treat...

So thanks are in order to Iceland, whomever invented Saturdays and Jerry Orbach who (according to a sign I saw in the subway one time) donated his eyeballs to someone after he died. 

*I have never read this. Fuck you Joseph Heller!**

** This was originally going to say "Fuck you Aldous Huxley!" but I then decided to do some joke research.

slang...

Did you know that urbandictionary.com has morals? I didn't either until I tried posting a definition on there last night. Here's my first draft....

pickle martini

when one successfully receives a blowjob after sneaking his penis in another, unsuspecting person's drink.

"I'm just going to choke one more down, and then we're outta here. Wait a second... that's not a straw!" - pickle martini victim

Rejected. Within 10 minutes of sending it in. Apparently they don't like "sexual violence". It was never meant to be violent, just hilarious. I added a few things, subtracted the word "victim", sent it back in, waited like an hour and then got the end result I sort of wanted. I had to use a clever alias but you can tell it's a post from me because one of the tags is "scooters". Check it out here. Maybe give it a shot some night when you are bored and drinking martinis made with pickle juice instead of olives.  

names...

Back in the day you were literally defined by your job. Whatever you did as a career would be your last name. If you were a blacksmith your last name would be 'Smith'. If you were a gay blacksmith your last name would be 'Smythe'. The family that lived across the street from me growing up was named Lynch and that really seems more like a hobby to me.