Bucket of weekend random thoughts...

• What is the point in hiring really old "security" guards.  Wal-mart does it.  Strip malls do it.  The indian casino does it.  I'm a fairly non-violent type but when I see them with their fancy security badges I just want to rumble.  And by rumble, I mean I want to tickle them.
• Is there anything better about the NBA playoffs than hearing Magic Johnson call them the "Orlando Magics"?  Watch Ernie Johnson...he looks like he points to the teleprompter each time as if to show him there is no "s".  Thanks Magics Johnson.
• I finally had a chance to catch Dirty Dancing this weekend (thanks ABC Family!).  I know, it's been out a while, but somehow it has eluded my viewership.  There are few flicks like that.  I've never seen E.T., or Wayne's World...or any of the Star Trek or Star Wars flicks.  But Dirty Dancing was a bit different.  I thought it was the magical sexual bridge between the bra-burning sixities and the whory slut-filled nineties.  But after catching a good majority of the flick this weekend, I'm sorry I ruined the mystery of the "classic".  In 1987 I wasn't old enough to catch an erection, but after watching this flick I'm not sure I ever want to again.  I've had more erotic two-steps waiting in line for the bathroom than anything Swayze did.
  
• Is there anything sadder than watching a stud baseball starting prospect get assigned to the bullpen, dominate for a few years, and then peter out almost over night?  I watched it with Keith Foulke and now it appears Jon Papelbons turn.  He has all the intimidation of a hebrew MMA fighter.  It's like you finally make it as a personal assistance and your first gig is being assigned to the asian kid on American Idol.  Enjoy the lights while you have them!  R.I.P. Paps.
• My favorite thing about the economy is the crying.
• Happy Memorial Day everyone!  wait...I thought this was a day of reflection and remembrance?  Well, as Jon once told Odie "sometimes the best way to remember someone is to get drunk on the lake".

aspirations...

Aspirations can be strange, holy and pleasant things. When you and the last girl you dated who is now a lesbian/partial lesbian are in her place and climbing on the glass roof to get to the helicopter that's parked next to her glass house it can become epic. Don't let her fall into the moat and it doesn't matter that the helicopter blades will hit the glass when you start it up, you'll still somehow be able to take off safely. Or when you are in some monastery in Quebec talking to Denis Leary about how the Hartford Whalers have reformed, don't worry,  he knows their theme song (Brass Bonanza) you don't have to fret when your phone is stuck in your pocket and you can't play it for him. Or when your friend Caleb is taking pictures of the inside of Gold Medal Olympian Shaun White's small house in Las Vegas where you think you are going to be moving to shortly. Not his house, Las Vegas. They have a nice lake there with boats and other assorted ships. And Caleb is going by Clay Ferfenstein. Actually, I think I just got "aspiration" and "dream" mixed up again. If I had a nickel for every time that's happened I'd still be $4000 in debt (roughly). These are a few of the many reasons why I never became a successful meter maid.

drinking...

If you go to a bar that serves Orval Trappist Ale and also has their beer menu on a chalkboard, this can lead to one interesting evening. Specifically when the owner of the bar hands you a piece of chalk and tells you to put the letters back on the chalkboard you took off because "this is a family establishment". 

Since when is a bar a family establishment?! That, and oral rape is impossible. I think. 

Triangle Offensive

I use to call Patrick Ewing "The Black Orangutan" and people thought it was all "racist" and controverisal. Now Kobe Bryant, he of underage white girl rape fame, flings around his "Black Mamba" persona and I'm just suppose to gobble it all up?

I swear if Vitamin Water backed McCain this country would be in different hands today. B-relaxed and Multi-V have so much street cred that they can get away with just about anything.

Sugarless Jesus

If there are two things I hate in this world, they are both bad breath.  The amount of things that go in my mouth that don't smell good is almost nauseating to think about.  [insert homo-erotic joke here]. 

Did you ever wonder why ALTOIDS are "curiously strong"?  It's because they are made by the Willy Wonka of Hell...the nefarious necco wafer himself...freaking Beelzebub.  Fun fact:  Altoids is actually hebrew for "fork-tongued oral scent demon".  (fucking heebs have a word for everything!)

I been working hard on getting good seats in the afterlife, so imagine my utter glee when I found out Testamints is now on the market to play yin to the Altoids evil yang.  Each piece of gum is wrapped in a verse of scripture!  Check them out at www.testamints.net.  I actually found a wrapper for these at the casino.  (wha?)

I bet Mary Magdalene had a pocket full of these babys.  Freakin slut.

Sandwich, Drink, and a Bag of Chippewas

So I'm at this Indian Reservation Casino in Oklahoma, and I'm at the most ethnic eatery I can find.  I like to soak in the local flavor.

I'm at this place called "Subway".  The Indian fellow behind the counter (Indian like native american, not Indian like tech support) asks the lady in front of me "Cheese?"  as in what, if any, cheese would you like on your sandwich.  And she says "Extra White American".  And I'm the only one that laughs.  Really...the only one...for several minutes.  No wonder you lost your land.

Report: CNN blows

Look, I'm all for CNN trying to make a few dollars. Lord knows the only thing older than Ted Turner is Jane Fonda's who-ha. But come on! Ripping off the Blog and Main bandwagon-to-fame so blatantly? "Money" and Main? What's next, an Angry Anderson Cooper character?

lost...

If you are like most people than you probably watch the television program Lost. I don't. I'm sure it's a great show and all, I just never started watching it. My understanding that if you watch that show you pretty much need to watch every second of it to sort of understand what *might* be going on and with the amount of porn I watch, well, where does the time go? I've seen three random episodes and thought they were pretty funny because I find most random junk I don't understand humorous. Anyway, a few weeks ago while visiting my friend Foolish Muslim in Montreal, he got a text about Lost from our other friend whom I shall be calling Applejack. I then decided it would be a good idea to start texting people about Lost while Lost was airing just to see what happens. Here is the conversation between Applejack (watching Lost) and myself (not watching Lost) in colors that don't appear on my phone. 

9:12pm

Me - Foolish Muslim tells me you like talking about Lost...

Applejack - When i saw the little girl i didn't even flinch to say "its kate!"

Me - Whoooaaaa! (I have absolutely no idea who Kate is but I'll guess she's either a character on the show or one of Applejack's shorter imaginary friends)

Applejack - What's in the box! This is lost not pulp fiction!

Me - What do they think this is, Se7en?!

Applejack - Haha high fives to us!

Me - Actually, to be completely honest... I've only watched like 3 episodes ever. Do I still get a high five?

Applejack - Haha how do you have any idea whats happening, thats awesome! Ill grant the high five

Me - I don't have any idea!! I'm not even watching right now! I just like crazy texting!!!!! Wooooooooooo.

Me - Ok, I'll stop

Applejack - Ahaha, you're really not watching! Amazing you hit gold on that seven comment, excellently timed!

Me - I rule.... apparently

Applejack - I think thats a safe bet

By the way, I'm not going to tell Applejack (or anyone else for that matter) why I decided to call her Applejack until the series finale of Lost. Hello biggest disappointment(s?) of 2010!

Life in the ass lane

You may get the impression from me that being a degenerate is all fun and games. And you'd be right. It is true that being a degenerate has countless advantages. For example, when expectations are very low, you almost never disappoint anyone. When something assinine happens to me no one is shocked. I rarely have to explain things away. I frequently get second, third and fourth tries with things because no one expected me to get it right at first.

But with great irresponsibility comes great embarassment at times. I don't always take things seriously. Like one time the bank asked if I would stop writing "dizzalahs" on the amount line. I ignored the request until a friend had one of my checks rejected.

Well last night was one of those times where I wish I took some things more seriously. I went straight from work to see some playoff basketball action. It's hard for me to watch sports without having money on it...I mean that's why they play the games. But I had forgot to log any bets before leaving work and my cell phone cant bring up my sportsbook page. So I call a friend who unfortunately was not at her house but her mothers house. I already had a drink or two so I asked her to put me on the phone with her mother who was at the computer. I gave her the sportsbook web address and my username, and then slowly spelled out my password: F-U-C-K-A-M-O-N-K-E-Y.

Not my best moment. But Nuggets plus 2.5 with a missed Mavericks free throw at the end to cover more than made up for any potential embarassment. I heart gambling.

Size matters

So I have a maid take care of the house.  You know...cause I won't.  So long story short, this [insert central america country here] gal attempts to clean the house but completes the masterful job by drenching the marble shower in Lime Away.

Here's a good rule of thumb...when using a neon green bottle, read the label.  But anyway...

So after a long struggle with the maid service they send a "shower expert" to the house to asses the damage.  He returns a few days later with a small bottle of "special solution" which he predicts will restore the original luster to the shower.

Him:  "You don't want to waste this stuff, it's $100 a quart!"

Me (feigning interest): Really?

Him:  "You bet...you wouldn't believe what a gallon costs!"

Me:  "$400?"

Him:  "I wish...try $600!" 

El Reflectionay del la Cinco de Mayo

Blog and Main would be remiss if we did not take a moment to commemorate the Mexican army's unlikely victory over French forces at the Battle of Puebla some 147 years ago today.   And with that, here are my thoughts:

Seriously?  No taquitos at 7-11?  Did you all take the day off to salvage the Bud Lime brand, or were all the taquitos already taken for the various Datsun and FIFA sponsored parking lot swap meet festivals today?  Seriously?  Fucking taco jockeys.

memories...

I just wanted to add to Isabella's post from yesterday. It reminded me of the worst pick up line anyone has ever used on me. I was making a phone call while walking down the street. Meanwhile, this girl comes out of nowhere and grabs both my arms and shakes them while saying "They call me 'Milk' because I do a body good" and then walked away. Call me crazy, but I'm willing to bet more people got more than just vitamins* while enjoying that "milk"**. 

The best pick up line anyone's ever used on me was "I want to fuck you!". I know what you are thinking and no, I didn't take him up on that offer. 

*STD's

**slut