Camp Hypocrite

This is like when a "B" (or AA), can say the "N" word but a "W" (or C) can't.  Camp Twitch and Shout?  No way I could ever get away with that!  F this.

too soon?

Adam Yauch of the Beastie Boys has a cancerous tumor in one of his salivary glands. We here at Blog and Main wish him the best of luck and a speedy recovery. As a public service announcement we'd also like to remind the rest of you to...

nostalgia...

Chances are if you are reading this, you have eaten at the chain known as Domino's Pizza*. During the 80's they had a marketing campaign featuring a character the "Noid". His entire existence was making pizzas inedible so obviously he was an employee of Dominos. The whole point was to "avoid the Noid" meaning you should eat decent pizza. It made absolutely no goddamn sense whatsoever. According to his Wikipedia page he was not actually funny but more importantly it also said the following...

In 1989, Kenneth Lamar Noid, a mentally ill customer who thought the ads were a personal attack on him, held two employees of an Atlanta, Georgia Domino's restaurant hostage for over five hours. After forcing them to make him a pizza and making demands for $100,000, getaway transportation, and a copy of The Widow's Son, Noid surrendered to the police.^[1] Noid was charged with kidnapping, aggravated assault, extortion, andpossession of a firearm during a crime. He was found not guilty by reason of insanity.

Aren't you glad you've avoided him for so long?*

*sadly

If Akon, U can.

Look, I don't know Lady Gaga, but I assume she is a nice gal.  Most british royalty are.  But from what I can tell, all she likes to do is fuck and gamble...and if there is one thing I look for in a deity...it is those two things.  She is the kinda gal that is a hushed whisper away from selling you on anal and before you can ask a follow-up she has smoked your finest Cohiba Robusto without using her lips.  If marriage was an 8-letter word for hate-screw I would have said "I DO" a month ago.

FAFOT: July 15, 1944

.

Is wndr I aint left all m’ideals, seem so

absrd+ imprctcl.Yet I cling 2 dem bcuz I stll

blieve,d spite evrythg, dat ppl r truly good @ hrt

.

.

Remembering the most shocking death ever to follow a successful suicide attempt

Look, I miss Michael Jackson as much as any kid misses his blanky when it's gone.  (I mean, as much as any kid misses his blanky that he or she repeatedly has sex with in between awkward public appearances and denials on 60 minutes.)  But seriously, how disturbed must Michael have been to insist on having white kids?  More surprisingly, how rich do you have to be have the surgery done where your sperm color chromosomes are altered from black to white?  Unreal.  I mean that has to cost at least $50K a job right?  And what if you get an urge in a public restroom to relieve your sexual anxiety?  $50K in a generic kleenex flush - that's what happens.  And what is this procedure called?  Liponegroplasty?  Arianaugmentation?  Honkimplants?  What happens to Mike Jr when he brings out 5 inches of Billy Jean to some P.Y.T. on prom night, only to discover pops embarrassed the man in the mirror by not knowing if he was black or white?  The only good news to come out of this death is the kids FINALLY got to see Staples Center at the memorial today since Lakers playoff basketball, WWE Monday Night Raw, and Brittany Spears Circus were all sold out there earlier this month.  Today's tribute was an appropriate end to a versatile pigmented entertainer in perhaps the most versatile of venues.  

Forgotten Memories Remembered Again Finally

This weekend, a great friend of B&M died, Mr. Steve McNair.  Although we never met, it was clear that our relationship could not be weakened by distance or reality.  On these trying days following the loss, I wanted to take a moment to reflect on all the things he taught us...

For many years I thought Steve McNair was the americanized name of former CFL great Warren Moon.  I was young when the two of them overlapped careers, but it was an honest mistake.  I mean, come on, TWO black quarterbacks?  With the same franchise?  In Texas?  This was when Spike Lee was relevant and he use to make stories up so that he could make movies about reality.  I can't be the only one who thought they looked a like and talked a like.  I bet if you ask any other person who grew up in a predominantly white sheltered neighborhood without blacks they would say the same thing to.

Mr McNair also fueled my love for business and marketing at a young age.  I was so confused why his nickname of "Air McNair" was readily accepted as nouveau and hip when it was really just rhyming alliteration.  It wasn't necessarily McNair's fault, but I still blame him for the failed launch of this 18 year olds failed marketing career, as well as the never-blossomed sports apparel lines of "Shock and Darrell dAWEkins" and "Spud wEBB and Flow".

Certainly Titans fans, as well as sports fans in general, will always be grateful to McNair for letting us know it is ok to booo a black quarterback.  Shortly after Rosa Parks stepped off the bus and Warren Moon was inserted into the starting lineup for the Oilers, people weren't really sure what etiquette should be in the stands.  McNair diffused a potentially awkward race war by consistently throwing comedically bad interceptions.

Steve "LaTreal" McNair and his wife Mechelle also taught me that proper names can be whatever the hell you want them to be.

Lastly, dude was pulling down 19 year old tang at age 36.  That doesn't really teach me anything, but it does confirm that when you are rich you can do whatever the hell you want to do.  Oh wait, don't date chicks with guns.  Lesson learned.  Thank you Air.

He will be missed.

cake...

For the record, I'm arguably the most sarcastic asshole that posts on this blog. For further proof check out this and then this. So today was the big day, the day of reckoning. Cake reckoning. If you have no idea what I am talking about you need to read those links I just posted. I'll wait.

You done yet?

Good.

So when I told my mom via my dad about me having a birthday cake based off the movie Fargo, one of two things was going to happen...

1. I was going to get a regular birthday cake and a big pile of shame.
2. It was going to be awesome.

Being that my mom went to the establishment known as Niko's Cakes less than a week ago and ordered a "Fargo themed cake" from a confused, elderly Greek man who has probably never seen anything the Coen brothers have ever done, the second option was ultimately the one that happened. Without further ado...

Remember when the Lundegaards went cross country skiing at the base of a mountain in Aspen? No? Me either.

Is this the scene where Marge and Norm Gunderson went on a romantic ski retreat and conceived their child?

Remember this scene when Carl Showalter and Gaear Grimsrud go skiing together after going to Pancakes House and Carl got put through a wood chipper. Oops, SPOILERS! Anyway, that didn't actually happen in the film. So what's going on here exactly? Is this cake based off some deleted scenes? No, it's definitely not. Except for the concept of "winter" there are absolutely no similarities between this cake and the movie Fargo. That's because, despite of excellent craftsmanship, THERE ARE NO MOUNTAINS IN FARGO, NORTH DAKOTA! It's not really a bad cake but this thing is wildly inaccurate and by no means Oscar™ caliber. It's way more elaborate than any set design in that entire film with the exception of that huge Paul Bunyan Statue. This thing was the real deal though, that mountain wasn't just a pile of frosting, no, there was definitely a cake-like center to it. I guess if you want an accurate looking cake you actually need to give the baker, like, details and shit. Maybe a picture? Netflix subscription? Plane ticket to the upper midwest? Despite all that, it was delicious. I listened to the theme from Fargo while I ate which at least added some realism to this fiasco. And by "fiasco" I mean "best goddamn birthday ever".

A very special "thank you" to my parents for encouraging my bullshit, everyone that made Fargo, Niko of Niko's Cakes and Neko Case because that's almost the same thing as Niko's Cakes. And because she's really hot. If you are reading this Neko have a happy birthday if you are reading this on your birthday.

Adult Rock

Comprehensive review of Lynard Skynard and Kid Rock. (what i won't do for the readers)

• Watching this version of Lynard Skynard, as old as they were, I was surprised they made it through last week...with everyone dying and everything. This was the first time I saw a band close out saying "GOOD NIGHT, TEXAS!", and I thought to myself...they really are going to bed now.
• It seems like just 50 years ago it was ok to make comments about having different bathrooms for white and black folk, or that women can vote, or that abortion was ok if it was accident. Point is, times change. But I still can't figure out when it was ok to come up with the song "What's your name - Little Girl?" And if that wasn't creepy enough, haivng random pictures of girls on the screen behind the band didn't help. Not just random pictures of hot women, I mean these girls were either 18, or 18 in one year, or in some cases 18 in two or three more years. Creepy. Erotic, but creepy.
• Favorite part of the night was the screens behind Skynard during that song that goes "ohhhh..that smell", everytime the lyric was "that smell" there would be huge "THAT SMELL" words floating around the screen. But it was done in WortArt in Microsoft Word and apparently they only had ARIAL font on that computer. Maybe you had to be there to enjoy...but you probably wouldnt have wanted to be there.
• Kid Rock was exactly what was expected. Nothing spectacular. Look, when your shtick is midgets and strippers...bring some god damn midgets and strippers. He had neither. It was like watching Henry Winkler pitch fast actin Tinactin. No leather jacket. No "heyyyyy". And another thing...you might be good at music. You might be talented. But don't try to prove it by doing Brown Eyed Girl on the drums and Chopsticks on the piano. I swear I thought he was going to hit DEMO on the keyboard and pretend like he was playing.
• When I put my right fist up, girls say "Kid", when I put my left fist up, guys say "Rock". White trash Romper Room.

Canada...

That place turns 140 years old today. Meanwhile, the Moustache turned approximately 2309 years old. Congratulations Canada but you still have a long way to go. I hope Tim Horton's has some sort of beaver shaped maple log on this fine "holiday".