Bucket of weekend random thoughts...

• What is the point in hiring really old "security" guards.  Wal-mart does it.  Strip malls do it.  The indian casino does it.  I'm a fairly non-violent type but when I see them with their fancy security badges I just want to rumble.  And by rumble, I mean I want to tickle them.
• Is there anything better about the NBA playoffs than hearing Magic Johnson call them the "Orlando Magics"?  Watch Ernie Johnson...he looks like he points to the teleprompter each time as if to show him there is no "s".  Thanks Magics Johnson.
• I finally had a chance to catch Dirty Dancing this weekend (thanks ABC Family!).  I know, it's been out a while, but somehow it has eluded my viewership.  There are few flicks like that.  I've never seen E.T., or Wayne's World...or any of the Star Trek or Star Wars flicks.  But Dirty Dancing was a bit different.  I thought it was the magical sexual bridge between the bra-burning sixities and the whory slut-filled nineties.  But after catching a good majority of the flick this weekend, I'm sorry I ruined the mystery of the "classic".  In 1987 I wasn't old enough to catch an erection, but after watching this flick I'm not sure I ever want to again.  I've had more erotic two-steps waiting in line for the bathroom than anything Swayze did.
  
• Is there anything sadder than watching a stud baseball starting prospect get assigned to the bullpen, dominate for a few years, and then peter out almost over night?  I watched it with Keith Foulke and now it appears Jon Papelbons turn.  He has all the intimidation of a hebrew MMA fighter.  It's like you finally make it as a personal assistance and your first gig is being assigned to the asian kid on American Idol.  Enjoy the lights while you have them!  R.I.P. Paps.
• My favorite thing about the economy is the crying.
• Happy Memorial Day everyone!  wait...I thought this was a day of reflection and remembrance?  Well, as Jon once told Odie "sometimes the best way to remember someone is to get drunk on the lake".

aspirations...

Aspirations can be strange, holy and pleasant things. When you and the last girl you dated who is now a lesbian/partial lesbian are in her place and climbing on the glass roof to get to the helicopter that's parked next to her glass house it can become epic. Don't let her fall into the moat and it doesn't matter that the helicopter blades will hit the glass when you start it up, you'll still somehow be able to take off safely. Or when you are in some monastery in Quebec talking to Denis Leary about how the Hartford Whalers have reformed, don't worry,  he knows their theme song (Brass Bonanza) you don't have to fret when your phone is stuck in your pocket and you can't play it for him. Or when your friend Caleb is taking pictures of the inside of Gold Medal Olympian Shaun White's small house in Las Vegas where you think you are going to be moving to shortly. Not his house, Las Vegas. They have a nice lake there with boats and other assorted ships. And Caleb is going by Clay Ferfenstein. Actually, I think I just got "aspiration" and "dream" mixed up again. If I had a nickel for every time that's happened I'd still be $4000 in debt (roughly). These are a few of the many reasons why I never became a successful meter maid.

drinking...

If you go to a bar that serves Orval Trappist Ale and also has their beer menu on a chalkboard, this can lead to one interesting evening. Specifically when the owner of the bar hands you a piece of chalk and tells you to put the letters back on the chalkboard you took off because "this is a family establishment". 

Since when is a bar a family establishment?! That, and oral rape is impossible. I think. 

Triangle Offensive

I use to call Patrick Ewing "The Black Orangutan" and people thought it was all "racist" and controverisal. Now Kobe Bryant, he of underage white girl rape fame, flings around his "Black Mamba" persona and I'm just suppose to gobble it all up?

I swear if Vitamin Water backed McCain this country would be in different hands today. B-relaxed and Multi-V have so much street cred that they can get away with just about anything.

Sugarless Jesus

If there are two things I hate in this world, they are both bad breath.  The amount of things that go in my mouth that don't smell good is almost nauseating to think about.  [insert homo-erotic joke here]. 

Did you ever wonder why ALTOIDS are "curiously strong"?  It's because they are made by the Willy Wonka of Hell...the nefarious necco wafer himself...freaking Beelzebub.  Fun fact:  Altoids is actually hebrew for "fork-tongued oral scent demon".  (fucking heebs have a word for everything!)

I been working hard on getting good seats in the afterlife, so imagine my utter glee when I found out Testamints is now on the market to play yin to the Altoids evil yang.  Each piece of gum is wrapped in a verse of scripture!  Check them out at www.testamints.net.  I actually found a wrapper for these at the casino.  (wha?)

I bet Mary Magdalene had a pocket full of these babys.  Freakin slut.

Sandwich, Drink, and a Bag of Chippewas

So I'm at this Indian Reservation Casino in Oklahoma, and I'm at the most ethnic eatery I can find.  I like to soak in the local flavor.

I'm at this place called "Subway".  The Indian fellow behind the counter (Indian like native american, not Indian like tech support) asks the lady in front of me "Cheese?"  as in what, if any, cheese would you like on your sandwich.  And she says "Extra White American".  And I'm the only one that laughs.  Really...the only one...for several minutes.  No wonder you lost your land.

Report: CNN blows

Look, I'm all for CNN trying to make a few dollars. Lord knows the only thing older than Ted Turner is Jane Fonda's who-ha. But come on! Ripping off the Blog and Main bandwagon-to-fame so blatantly? "Money" and Main? What's next, an Angry Anderson Cooper character?