fascism...

I was in Montreal this weekend, mostly trying to either enlighten my senses or just drip away at the cosmic insanity. Wait, no, sorry about that, there's too many hippies in that town and clearly they got to me and my brain. Anyway, while walking down the street there was a man handing out flyers and saying...

"Did you notice when Obama met the Queen he grew a Hitler moustache?"

Umm.... what Queen? After hearing this I asked him for one of the flyers he was handing out cause I knew it would be good. It stated that Obama has instituted Hitler's "health plan" which is weird because I thought Hitler's "health plan" was to exterminate the Jews. Anyway, I read this flyer, re-read it, re-read it again and then came to the conclusion that it made absolutely no correlation between the Hitler and Obama other than saying "Hitler" and "Obama".

I also remembered that I was in Canada where they cannot vote in American elections. If this crazy flyers guy really thought Americans pay attention to what Canadians have to say he really must be insane. Just look at what Phoenix did to the Winnipeg Jets or how barely anyone here knows about the Trailer Park Boys.

Blog and Main takes pride in breaking new stories as much as we like making fun of people. I am here to report first that there are some dangerously close relationships between Prime Minister Stephen Harper and former dictator Benito Mussolini. Let's face it, if you are American and reading this right now you had NO idea what Stephen Harper looked like until right now. I mean, I had no idea he was a tiny kitten, did you? Didn't think so. And you'd never be able to pick El Duce out of a line up if he wasn't wearing one of his signature hats. So the similarity here I am reporting on is "obscurity" and that is a much better argument than that nutball was trying to make. Proof that people read the internet more than print.

WNBAint going to be the same.

Has there ever been a more appropriate headline than 'Laimbeer leaves Shock'?

After massive changes to the roster, Laimbeer predicted before the 2003 season that the Shock would be league champions, and his prediction would unbelievably come true. The Shock would tear up the East in the regualar season, posting a 25-9 record and winning the #1 seed by 7 games. In the playoffs, the Shock would defeat the Cleveland Rockers 2-1 for their first playoff series win in franchise history. In the Conference Finals, the Shock swept the Connecticut Sun 2-0 to reach the WNBA Finals. 

Despite the achievements, the Shock were viewed as huge underdogs to the two time defending champion Los Angeles Sparks, who were looking for a three-peat. The Shock would emerge victorious in the series, winning a thrilling Game Three 83-78. That game would draw the largest crowd ever in WNBA history (22,076 came to watch). Detroit became the first team in WNBA history to make it from last place one season to world champions the very next season.

25-9?

22,076?

And now, that is all over.   I just can't believe it.  Everytime a brutish cracker retires from dike sports a little part of me dies.

UK not OK

Anyone who knows me knows I love soccer.  And those that really know me, know I don't really like soccer but I pretend I do to appeal to international blog audiences.  But one thing has really started to put a bow in me britches, and that is the name UNITED KINGDOM.

How cocky is that term - Kingdom?  Kingdom implies supreme awesomeness and utter dominance.  But the UK has neither.  Thanks for The Beatles and ship-building expertise, but you are a 3rd rate state now and need to change your name accordingly.

I call this post: The Dallas Cowboys are fucking retarded

I usually don't like to sleep outside.  It's bad for my skin.  But I had to make an exception last night because NEW COWBOYS STADIUM MERCHANDISE went on sale this morning and I had to be first in line.

You see here, this shirt says OURS IS BIGGER!  Do you get it?  They are talking about the stadium but they are really talking about the collective penis of Texas.  Or maybe of Cowboys fans.  Or I'm not really sure.  Stop me if you've heard this, but anytime anything is remotely bigger than average, and you are in Texas, or it relates to Texas, well then you are forced to learn: "EVERYTHING IS BIGGER IN TEXAS".  Get it?

This is fucking priceless.  I got 18 of them.  All XXXL because I thought it would be twice as funny if the shirts were big...cause everything is bigger than Texas.

Does it get better than local humor?  What the fuck does Idaho do day in and day out?  I know there are some good Michigan jokes but I heard that state was going into Chapter 11 and giving their property back to the indians.

weekends...

I love weekends. I don't have a girlfriend so these weekend situation things are the best things I currently have going. Today has been spent watching movies in bed. This is most likely a big factor as to why I do not have a girlfriend. It's a lot like that book Catch-22 but with less nudity*.  Currently showing is the 1977 horror movie The Sentinel featuring (among many others) Jeff Goldblum, Jerry Orbach, Christopher Walken, the mom from the National Lampoon's Vacation series, old man Burgess Meredith and even older man Bill Hickey. It's incredible. In one scene Burgess Meredith decides to throw a birthday party for his cat Jezebel. I know that sounds unbelievable so I took a screen shot.

You can also see that I have googled "bruce lee shoes" which is another example about how awesome weekends can be. Also I am drinking hilarious vodka. You are probably wondering how vodka can be hilarious, well just hold on to your pants there skip because you are in for another treat...

So thanks are in order to Iceland, whomever invented Saturdays and Jerry Orbach who (according to a sign I saw in the subway one time) donated his eyeballs to someone after he died. 

*I have never read this. Fuck you Joseph Heller!**

** This was originally going to say "Fuck you Aldous Huxley!" but I then decided to do some joke research.

slang...

Did you know that urbandictionary.com has morals? I didn't either until I tried posting a definition on there last night. Here's my first draft....

pickle martini

when one successfully receives a blowjob after sneaking his penis in another, unsuspecting person's drink.

"I'm just going to choke one more down, and then we're outta here. Wait a second... that's not a straw!" - pickle martini victim

Rejected. Within 10 minutes of sending it in. Apparently they don't like "sexual violence". It was never meant to be violent, just hilarious. I added a few things, subtracted the word "victim", sent it back in, waited like an hour and then got the end result I sort of wanted. I had to use a clever alias but you can tell it's a post from me because one of the tags is "scooters". Check it out here. Maybe give it a shot some night when you are bored and drinking martinis made with pickle juice instead of olives.  

names...

Back in the day you were literally defined by your job. Whatever you did as a career would be your last name. If you were a blacksmith your last name would be 'Smith'. If you were a gay blacksmith your last name would be 'Smythe'. The family that lived across the street from me growing up was named Lynch and that really seems more like a hobby to me.